The Loch

Author: Steve Alten

The back cover of this book claims "MAJOR MOTION PICTURE RIGHTS BEING DEVELOPED", and after reading, I have arrived at the following conclusion: This story would be a much better movie than it is a novel.
I know that several generations of reading enthusiasts just turned over in their papery graves as I typed that sentence. I was an English Lit major in college, and I get that we are always supposed to exalt The Written Word, and look down our noses (over those little pinchy glasses, if possible) at any sort of adaptation for any sort of electronic screen. There is such a thing, however, as a gifted storyteller who is not a particularly gifted writer, and Steve Alten falls neatly into this category for me. I didn't really like the book while I was reading it. In fact, I finished it only because not finishing it would be allowing it to beat me, and I'll be damned if I let some pseudo-scientific Loch Ness Monster story claim victory over me. Upon reflection, though (I read the book about a month ago, so there's been time to heal and regroup), most of what I disliked about the book could easily be fixed or reworked into a fairly decent movie. The story itself wasn't what bugged me, really. It's just that the mechanics of the writing interfered frequently. For example:
The novel is written in the first person perspective. Zachary Wallace, the narrator and main character, describes for us his journey back to his childhood home near the famous Loch Ness, where his quest (embarked upon because of a family curse/need to prove stuff to his father/series of misfortunes that leave him unemployed and sans true love) to solve the mystery of the Loch Ness monster plays out. First person perspective writing can be fun to read -- cozier and more intimate than other storytelling styles. The problem is that Zachary Wallace is completely and totally and really a lot I'm not even kidding annoying. He's whiny. He's egocentric. He has daddy issues and romance issues and a variety of irritating phobias. I think, though, that he could be made into a way less annoying character if some distance were employed. His whininess and ego are revealed largely through his private thoughts, which in the novel we are privy to but in a screenplay we might not be. There is always room, I suppose, for a Godawful voice over narrative to preserve Zachary's more aggravating characteristics in a film adaptation, but the story is fairly visual and really shouldn't require such a device.
As I said, just now, in the line right above this one, the story is fairly visual. It takes place on or in Loch Ness, where the scenery would likely be breathtaking to view but is boring to trudge through descriptive paragraphs about. It involves a lot of marine biologistic equipment and maneuvering, which would be fun to see in action, but are cumbersome to read about. It also, as I'm sure you can guess, involves a fair number of Loch Ness Monster-related hi jinks, which, again; fun to see it, boring to read it. There are only so many times you can feel a suspenseful tingle whilst reading a sentence about someone possibly catching a glimpse of a scaly something in the dark and sinister lake.
Also (and this may just be a pet peeve of mine that doesn't bother anyone else, but this is, after all, my review, so pipe down), I am driven nuts by reading accents. Since so much of the story takes place in Scotland, we are forced to read a lot of "I dinnae" and "your faither" and "ye ken", and it bugs. I love the way Scottish accents sound, and I appreciate the attempt to create atmosphere, but writing accent into the dialogue is just a obstacle to understanding. By the time I have read a line of speech twice in an effort to figure out what the Godforsaken Scotsman is supposed to be saying and how its supposed to sound while he's saying it, I guarantee you that I will have lost patience with the story, the character, and everyone around me in my real life, as well.
Extensive research on my part (well, maybe not extensive, but I googled around a bit) has not yet revealed when the MAJOR MOTION PICTURE version of this tale will be hitting the big screen, if ever. As far as I can tell, the story has been bought by somebody or other, it is in the process of being developed/written/marketed/funded, and may be coming to a theatre near you someday. It may already be out there somewhere. Maybe it went straight to video. The point is, I would not really recommend the book, but if you like a Pseudo-scientific Atmospheric Set in Scotland Loch Ness Monster Action Story, keep an eye out for the movie that may or may not be coming out or already out or on cable or something. You might like it.